now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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