Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The best revenge is premature balding
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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