Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize