when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
