Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
