I smell stomach acid.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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