Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
