when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
