the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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