Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
