Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
