Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
