My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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