Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
