Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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