If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Can I color on your dick again?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
did you just send me my own nude
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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