Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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