I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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