so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We are two peas in an std pod
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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