I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
