I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
