Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
