i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
