I think I am morally bankrupt
she looked like the before picture.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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