Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
