I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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