I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
