Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I FOUND THE LEGS
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
