someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
