Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
