somebody snuck up and got me drunk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
