Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
