i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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