Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
