I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
