dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
