She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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