just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize