Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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