He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
