Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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