the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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