Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
