Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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