Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
