i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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