thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
