she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
