And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
