Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
