No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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