Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
