As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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