I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
