I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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