Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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