Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
