if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
