Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
