We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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